Essential Truths of Baby Care
1 A baby, nurtured in the womb of a healthy, happy, and peaceful mother, receives the best possible start in life.
2 The more aware caregivers are of their own birth-related trauma and unmet childhood needs, the better they are able to respond to the needs of children in their care.
3 What happens in the earliest stages of life—at conception, in the womb, at birth, and in the first days and months—establishes the foundation for life. A happy, low-stress pregnancy, natural birth, and an uninterrupted period of bonding through the early months greatly benefit both baby and parents.
4 Breastfeeding, skin-to-skin contact, and being carried on the body—in-arms, slings, etc.—are critical for brain, nervous system, and immune system development and promote long-term health benefits for both baby and mother.
5 All babies are dependent on others to meet their physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual needs. When their needs are met with loving and consistent care, children are happier, healthier, and more cooperative.
6 Every baby is born with the desire to communicate, to cooperate, and to explore the world. Children learn primarily by unstructured play and by imitating those around them.
7 Every child needs to be securely bonded with at least one human being who is a loving and consistent presence in the child’s life.
8 Every child develops at a unique rhythm and pace. A child’s developmental processes are best supported when neither hurried nor forced.
9 Children are dependent upon their parents and caregivers to protect them from emotional and physical neglect, violence, abuse, and other toxic experiences, including hazards in their food, air, water, toys, and environment.
10 Children express their needs through behaviors that are shaped by their individual temperament, life experiences, and by how others behave and treat them.
11 The consistent, loving presence of a father or father-figure in a child’s life adds immensely to a child’s optimal development and wellbeing.
12 Children who have lost one or both of their biological parents, whether at birth or years later, naturally have feelings of abandonment and, therefore, have special needs. Foster, adoptive, and single parents face special challenges and benefit from extra support of family, friends, and community.
13 Children learn to respect, empathize with, and respond to the needs of others when they feel seen, heard, and their opinions are valued.
14 Effective parenting is an art that can be learned.
15 Families benefit from a supportive, nurturing community that values the art and science of parenting.
Stage 1: Self Regulation and Interest in the World (Birth -3 Months)
Goal: Becoming calm, attentive, and interested in the world.
You can help your baby improve in this stage by helping your child look, listen, begin to move, and calm down.
Her sense of security and awareness will help her understand more complex thoughts, help her brain develop, and lay the foundation for future learning.
Consider the following, and tailor your interactions toward your child’s unique preferences to allow her to relax and learn. If it is not enjoyable for the baby, she may withdraw or shut down.
- What sights, sounds, touches, and movements bring her pleasure?
- Which senses keep him calm and get his attention? Does he like firm or soft touch?
- Does he like soft or loud sounds? High or low voices? Slow or fast rhythms?
- Does he enjoy energetic, animated facial expressions and sounds or calm, soothing interactions?
At this stage, if your infant becomes upset, your continuing relationship with him and the familiar sight of your face, the comforting sound of your voice, and your gentle touch and movements will provide him with a reassuring sense of security that helps him calm down and explore his world.
Stage 1: Dos and Don’ts
• Do: interact with your baby, without distractions, for short stretches of time (20-30 minutes), several times per day. This is called “Floor time” and will help your baby’s brain develop.
• Do Find enjoyable ways to involve your child’s senses and movement at the same time
help him use his muscles to turn his head, stick out his tongue, cuddle, and gradually move his arms and legs in rhythm with your voice.
• Do Interact with your baby, do not just stimulate him with exciting toys.
• Don’t leave him to gaze at the world on his own for very long stretches of time. You cannot spoil your child by spending too much time with her.
Games to help your child master Stage 1:
• The Look and Listen Game: Lean in close to your baby and talk about his or her sparkly eyes, round cheeks, or big smile. Keep your face animated and your voice lively as you slowly move to the right or left, trying to capture your baby’s attention for a few seconds.
• The “Soothe Me” Game: Soothingly touch your baby, stroking her arms, legs, tummy, back, feet, and hands to help the child relax. The back and forth rhythm of the rocking chair can be especially soothing. Try to gently wiggle his or her little fingers and toes in a “This Little Piggy” type of game. This game can also be played during diaper changing time
Stage 2: Falling in Love 2 – 7 Months
Goal: Falling in love with each other
Throughout this stage, which roughly spans from first smiles to crawling; your baby becomes more and more focused on you and other persons and things outside herself. Your delightful task during these months will be to promote pleasurable
feelings between you and your baby. Emotional engagement and attachment is important because as your baby relates to you and expresses loving feelings,
various motor, sensory, language, and cognitive achievements are also often taking place. The milestone of falling in love usually gives purpose to these skills. For example, when your baby is physically capable of reaching out and grasping something, she will more often attempt to reach for something that she is interested in and takes delight in. There’s nothing more interesting in her world thank you, and her love for you will continue to spur heron as she learns to reach, grasp, sit, and eventually crawl toward you, the object of her affection.
How you know your baby is falling in love with you:
Responding to your smiles with a big one of her own
Making sounds and or moving her mouth, arms, legs, or body in rhythm with you as you move in rhythm with her
Relaxing or acting comforted when you hold her or rock her
Cooing when she is held, touched, looked at or spoken to
Anticipating with curiosity and excitement the reappearance of your face and voice
Looking uneasy or sad when you withdraw in the midst of playing with her
There are many ways to fall in love. Sometimes it takes a while for love to blossom, sometimes there are lots of bumps along the way. What’s important is that your shared intimacy is gradually growing. You have plenty of time to cement a loving relationship with your child, as long as you stay emotionally involved.
Your baby may have individual preferences regarding what is pleasurable to her, and radiate excitement when you amplify her pleasure by:
Talking and babbling to her, using a variety of high and low pitches and soft to loud tones
Offering her a range of different facial expressions while talking and babbling
Touching or massaging her, using gentle touch while telling her what you are doing
Gently moving her arms and legs while talking to her and looking at her
Moving her horizontally or vertically fast and slow, through space while beaming at her with big smiles accompanied by lots of sounds and words
Games to help your child master Stage 2:
The Smiling Game
Enjoy using words and/or funny faces to entice your baby into breaking into a big smile or producing other pleased facial expressions such as sparkling or widened eyes. You can chatter about the spoon you’ve stuck in your mouth, or the rattle you’ve placed on your head, or simply about how “bee-you-ti-ful” her hair is!
The “Dance with Me” Sound and Movement Game
Try to inspire your baby to make sounds and/or move her arms, legs, or torso in rhythm with your voice and head movements. You might say, “Are you going to dance with me, sweetheart?” Oh, I bet you can – I know you can!” while looking for a gleam of delight in his
Stage 3 – Individual Communication 6-10 Months
Goal: Becoming a two-way communicator.
How you know your baby is communicating: Your baby may open up gestural dialogues with you by doing the following:
• Reaching out to you to be picked up, or hugging you back when you hug him
• Smiling, vocalizing, putting a finger in your mouth, taking a rattle from his mouth and putting it in your own, or touching or exploring your hair
• Pushing undesired food off a high‐chair tray with an accompanying angry look, screaming when a desired toy isn’t fetched quickly enough, or wiggling out of your arms when he has no interest in getting dressed (His angry face, shouts, and squirmy body clearly communicate his sense of protest or anger).
• Looking for the toy that fell to the ground or (toward the end of this stage) looking in your hand for a hidden, desired rattle.
• Showing caution or fear by turning away, clinging to your leg, or looking scared when a stranger approaches too quickly.
Follow your baby’s lead and challenge him to exchange gestures and emotional signals with you about his interests.
Do’s and Don’ts as your baby learns to communicate
• Do simultaneously exercise as many of the sesing, smelling, hearing, touching and moving elements of your child’s nervous system as you can while the two of you interact.
• Don’t be a ringmaster and direct the way your play unfolds. Follow your baby’s lead and help him usehis interests to give direction and organization to his new abilities.
• Do play lots of emotionally pleasurable games for longer times. The more interactive playtimes youshare, the more fun you’ll have.
• Do seek out the magic moments.Becoming a Communicator
Take note of the things your baby is naturally interested in (your funny nose, or the rattle you’ve placed in your mouth, for example) and then challenge him to express himself with feelings and actions in a purposeful way. In this way you will help him become a two-way communicator!
Games to help your baby master Stage 3:
The Funny Sound, Face, and Feeling Game
Notice the sounds and facial expressions your baby naturally uses when he’s expressing joy, annoyance, surprise, or any other feeling, and mirror these sounds and facial expressions back to him in a playful way. See if you can get a back-and-forth going.
The Circle of Communication Game
Try to see how many back-and-forths you can get going each time your baby touches a tiny red ball or pats your nose and you make a funny squeel or squawk in response. Or see how many times he will try to open your hand when you’ve hidden an intriguing object inside. Each time your baby follows his interests and takes your bait, he is closing a circle of communication.
Stage 4: Organized Communication and Problem Solving 9-18 Months
Goal: Using a series of interactive emotional signals or gestures to communicate.
Stage 4 Do’s and Dont’s
• Do engage in long chains of interaction around all your toddler’s interests
• Do make a point of exploring a range of feelings: pleasure, excitement, curiosity, closeness, anger,defiance, and limit setting.
• Do challenge your toddler to experience different feelings in the same play session so she can makevarious feelings part of who she is.
• Do let your toddler know what you expect in terms of behavior, much as a corner policeman directs traffic. Use expressive facial expressions, body postures and vocal tones.
• Do challenge your child to solve more and more complex problems, like finding you in a hide-and-seek game.
• Do challenge your toddler to use her gestures to show you what she wants.
• Don’t label your child as good or bad.
• Don’t focus only on playing with blocks, puzzles, or cause-and-effect toys.
• Don’t become preoccupied with teaching your toddler about discipline and controlling her behavior.
Learning How to Solve Problems
Challenge your toddler to interact with you to solve problems- not only those that she wants to figure out on her own, but also those that you present to her. Exchange many gestures as the two of you problem-solve, including sounds or words and actions such as puling each other in various directions.
Games to help your child master Stage 4:
The Working-Together Game
Note your toddler’s natural interest in various toys, such as dolls, stuffed animals, trucks, balls, etc., and create a problem involving a favorite toy that she needs your help to solve. For example, you might have a favorite teddy bear “run away” and “climb” to a high shelf. Your child will have to raise her arms to reach, and gesture for you to pick her up to extend her reach, and you will gladly comply. Such a simple game will involve opening and closing many circles of communication while solving a problem at the same time.
Copycat Game
Copy your toddler’s sounds and gestures, and see if you can entice her to mirror all of your
funny faces, sounds, movements and dance steps. Eventually, add words to the game and then use the words in a purposeful manner to help her meet a need, for example, by saying “Juice” or “Open!”
Stage 5: Emotional Ideas 18-36 Months
Goal – Using symbols or ideas to convey intentions or feelings.
Now is the time to help your child tell you what he wants or thinks, and to become a partner in his emerging make-believe play. You can pretend to be a puppy, or talk for a puppy puppet, and ask your child for a hug or a kiss or a dog bone, for example. You can also open up conversations with him about his desires and wishes, and ask, “What do you want to drink, milk or juice?” His reply of “juice” could be met by your eager head nod and response of, “Let’s go and get it! Show me where to go.” As he answers, “There, Mommy,” while pointing
toward the refrigerator, he’ll know that he can get his needs met by interacting with you.
Stage 5 Do’s and Don’t
Don’t rely on puzzles, books, structured games, DVDs, or TV to spark your child’s use of ideas.
Do get down on the floor and become a character-such as a bear or wizard-in a pretend drama of your child’s own choosing. Ham it up! Interact, talk, and emote through your character.
Do hold long conversations about anything that interests your child, from a new toy to his favorite or most despised food. Use games, TV, and videos as a basis for long back-and-forth conversations rather than as ends in their own right.
Games to help your child master Stage 5:
Let’s Chitchat
Using your child’s natural interests, see how many back-and-forth circles of communication you can get going using words, phrases, or short sentences. You can even turn your child’s single-word response into a long chat. For instance, when your child points to the door and says, “Open,” you might reply, “Who should open it?” He is likely to say “Mommy do it,” and you could shake your head from side to side and say, “Mommy can’t now. Who else?” He’ll probably turn his head to his father and ask, “Daddy do it?” Daddy might reply, “Do what?” When your child once again points to the door and says “Open, open!” Daddy can walk toward him saying, “Okay, can you help me push the door open?” With his eager head nod, your little boy will be closing this long sequence of back-and-forth words and gestures.
Let’s Pretend
Become a dog or cat or superhero in a drama of your child’s own choosing. Ham it up and see how long you can keep it going!
Goal: Building bridges between ideas. Challenge your child to connect her ideas together by seeking her opinion, enjoying her debates, and enlarging her pretend dramas.
Learning to Think
Help your child learn to think by holding long conversations with her in which you seek her opinions rather than simply trade pieces of information. For instances, when she expresses a desire to “Go out now!” you can ask her what she wants to do once she’s outside. When she replies, “Play on the slide!” she’ll be linking her wishes with your thoughts and ideas. Try and pose open-ended questions to get her thinking, such as “Why do you like this color so much?” rather than “Which is your favorite color?” Enjoy debates about everything from bedtime to ice cream flavors! When your child clamors to stay up later, and you ask, “Why should you be allowed to stay up so late?” she’s likely to give you a lawyerly response of “Because you let (big sister) stay up late and I’m almost as old!” Also, as you continue to be a pretend partner, try and come up with new plot twists. You might explore the dolls’ feelings or let her be a mommy while you are the child.
Stage 6 Do’s and Don’ts
Do rely on jointly creating elaborate pretend dramas that have logical plots. For example, tea parties and school scenes and trips to Grandma’s can be woven together.
Do rely on enjoyable debates about everything from food and clothes choices to sharing toys.
Don’t simply tell your child what to do; explain why you want to do something. Discuss the pros and cons, and give your child plenty of time to argue her viewpoint. A good rule of thumb is that if your child’s answers don’t frequently surprise you, or if you have a single correct answer in mind, you are probably over-scripting.
Do rely on reflective discussions. When your child wants something, don’t simply say yes or no. Instead, ask “What/when/why/how…?” In this way, you’ll help your child give an opinion and reflect on her own wishes – the foundation for abstract thinking.
Do carry out these activities in peer, sibling, and small play groups. Children can debate each other or make funny pictures.
Don’t solve problems for your child; let her solve them herself. Your role is to help her brainstorm or to offer any needed encouragement.
Do create experiences involving quantity, time, and space concepts that engage your child’s strong feelings of the moment.
Do expose your child to a rich range of activities and encourage her natural interests and abilities. All these experiences will strengthen her ability to think abstractly.
Do enjoy stories, reading, puzzles, and other traditional activities as part of a vibrant back-and-forth discussion
Do enjoy helping your child use words to describe all the different feelings of life, from anger to closeness,
Discuss feelings during both pretend play and reality-based conversations.
Games to help your child master Stage 6:
The Director Game
See how many plot shifts or new story lines your child can initiate as the two of you lay make-believe games together. After the tea party play becomes a little repetitive or lacks direction, you can subtly challenge your child to thicken the plot by announcing something like “I’m so full of tea my tummy’s sloshing! What can we do next?”
“Why Should I?” Game
When your child wants you to do things for her, gently tease her with a response of “Why should I?” and see how many reasons she can give you. Then, offer a compromise, such as “Let’s do it together,” when she wants you to get her riding toy out of the garage, or pick out a new outfit to wear, etc.